Wednesday, October 16, 2013

roommate from the underworld

Most people have that one roommate in their lifetime that is an absolute pain to live with. Mine happens to remind me of Ursula, but more vile and just as evil. It was many moons ago living in BYU housing. I loved my place. It was a cute blue duplex on the corner of 7th and 7th right by BYU campus. The rooms were rather spacious and had a bathroom in the room. Bonus! But, they were shared rooms. Which wasn't so bad until you are sharing that spacious spot with a sea witch. 

How was she a the worst witch? Examples below. 

1.) She was the authority on everything and anything. 

She thought she knew more about working at the Hale Theater than I did. Even though she'd only been to a couple shows and I had performed there and worked in the office. Yet, she knew more than I did.......ummm. 

2.) Not willing to budge. 

One of my other roommates had just lost her dad and her mom was coming down from Idaho to visit her kids at BYU to help cure some grief and loneliness. It happened to be her mom's birthday while she was in town and they needed a place to have cake and ice cream to celebrate. This roommate asked Ursula if it would be alright if they celebrated at our large house for about a half hour. Ursula threw a fit, because she invited her brother over to watch a movie at the same time. Mom's birthday whose husband just died vs. watching a movie with your bro who lives 10 minutes away. I called her to ask her to do roommate #2 a solid and delay the moving watching for just a bit. She hung up on me.

3.) Dictator 

I was in a rehearsal for 110 in the Shade listening to the glorious voice of Audra McDonald when it was interrupted by a text message from Ursula to all the roommates saying, "DON'T BUY ANYTHING THAT NEEDS TO GO IN THE FREEZER!!!! MY FOOD WAS MOVED AND I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING AND ENDED UP BUYING ANOTHER BAG OF CHICKEN WHEN I ALREADY HAD ONE." I responded with, "I'm sorry your stuff was moved, but you can't dictate what people buy." Her response, "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING OF MINE EVER!!!!" Lord my load is heavy....

4.) The nastiest

When I would come home at night and open our bedroom door, I was met with a wall of stench. The foot of her bed was right next to the door and I was always greeted with the sour smell of her feet. 

Every night she had a crap-a-thon in our bathroom. The reek would leak under the door and straight into my nostrils as I was going to bed. Then she would try to cover up the smell with a berry scented spray. I named the combo, TOXIC TURD BERRY. It haunts me to this day.

One night, I was lying in bed and she came home and started changing into her pjs. I opened my eyes to see something that is forever etched in my brain. Before she put on her shirt, she pulled something outta her belly rolls, looked at it, then ATE IT!!! 

I cleaned period blood off of our toilet multiple times.

Also, I stepped in her urine once. 

Now that I've relived those horrors, I leave it at that. Although, I could go on about the mini fridge she bought, the bags of candy, and multiple freak outs. I'm prolly not the best roommate of all time either. My hair ends up in all locations, I forget to do dishes on occasion, I leave piles of stuff, etc. We all have room for improvement. Wanna share your roommate stories? 


  1. I had a roommate once that was a narcoleptic (in addition to being a total slob.) He was on, in his words, "prescription speed." As a result, he was either asleep in the middle of the living room, or he was bouncing off the walls, and acting like a really destructive tween who had been pulled off his adderall. Punching holes in walls, throwing stuff around the apartment, screaming for no particular reason.

    Then there was the time I had the roommate who had been homeless before being "placed" in the house with us. He then proceeded to turn our house into a homeless shelter during the day. I was teaching voice lessons from home at the time, and my students would regularly have to pick their way through homeless folks camped out in our living room. The last straw was when I came home after church one Sunday to find 11(!) homeless people in my house. Several were watching Lord of the Ring with the volume up full, one was asleep on the kitchen floor. I found two homeless men in the pantry eating all of my food, a man who had recently showered, and was walking around the house shirtless, wearing the towel from my private bathroom, one homeless woman in her bra and panties (it was not cute) in the bathroom putting on makeup, and another one in the laundry room.

    After that, I vowed I was forever done with roommates until I got married.

  2. I am glad you have a better roommate now Rachel! I had a mentally unstable roommate that never once cleaned or did the dishes, smoked pot inside the house, used my things, was a compulsive liar, watched porn all day, and had zero social skills. He stole over $600 worth of stuff from me that was never recovered. I later found out that he had been arrested ten times for burglary and assault (and three more times since I have moved out). I ended up having to go to court so I could get out of this... ahem... BYU approved contract - due to a landlord that would do nothing and refused to let me move out. Where do these people come from?!

    1. Holy crap! Who are these people?!?! Luckily Ursula didn't steal anything of mine, but she did accuse me of stealing her Dreamgirls DVD.....

  3. I just threw up in my mouth a little...belly roll leftovers. retch. I got married the first time when I was a fetus, so other than my besties, I had no terrible roommates. I suppose that doesn't include the two d-bags I married and divorced. They count as roommates right?!

    1. They totally count! Yeah, it was pretty vile....

  4. Oh my hell. I seriously have no words. EATING SOMETHING FROM HER ROLLS?! No No No No No No No No.
    This is NEARLY as terrible, but I once had a roomate that bc she didn't like me, she would set her alarm clock for 5am and run the hot water and go back to bed so that when I got up at 6, it would be ice cold. She told my other roomate about it, thinking that she would think it was funny, and horrified, she came and told me. We were all friends in high school and none of us have spoken to her for almost ten years. She was evil! She ALSO had her own mini fridge put in her room so no one would touch her food.
    But, I must say...the fats rolls story beats all. HAHAHAHA